Thoughts at the End of Pride Month

Maya Angelou once said, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."

This is a post I've written and rewritten mentally several times in the last few years. I've always held off because I try not to be too vocal, too opinionated, too controversial... but why not? This is, after all, my blog. My voice matters, and my audience, however small, deserves authenticity.

This Pride month has been quite different. As an ally to the BLM movement, I have stood aside along with other LGBT members, to provide a space for black voices to be heard. I am hopeful that the past few weeks of protesting and education and little black Instagram squares will continue to be a movement that inspires change, just as Marsha P. Johnson did when she threw that first brick at Stonewall 51 years ago.

I have often heard people say Pride month is unnecessary, and the same people who say "Why isn't there a white history month?" lament that there is not a straight pride month. These people are missing the point.

Pride 2019

Pride exists for a reason. Pride exists because people were jailed and beaten simply for existing and being their truest selves. Imagine if you had to live in fear that you would be murdered simply for who you love or how you dress. Imagine being told you could not adopt a child, or have medical services, or be married, or serve in the military, or get a cake from a certain bakery, just because you were your authentic self. Until five years ago this month, LGBT people were not able to be married. Just five years-- barely longer than Shelley and I have been together.

Many people argue that Pride is unnecessary-- that we could just exist because "we have the same rights" and "why does it have to be shoved down our throats?" For the record, Pride is also not about telling anyone what goes on behind closed doors. In fact, it is often straight people I've interacted with who ask those sorts of questions, as if it is my job as someone in the LGBT community to educate you on what I do in my bedroom, or speak for gay men-- which I am not, and I have no idea what happens in there because it is none of my business any more than straight peoples' private liaisons. Pride is more about the protection of being who we are, and being seen. It is about accepting who you were born to be and not trying to hide or deny it. THAT is Pride.

In my line of work, I spend a lot of time encouraging people to be true to themselves. It is important to be respectful to yourself, but also to respect others. Misconceptions form ignorance which breeds hatred. Knowledge is the key here. Knowledge leads to understanding. Understanding leads to acceptance. Acceptance leads to love. Jesus is love, so to me, it is as simple as practicing what we preach. This is a truth so simple that it is crazy to me that people don't get it. Just be KIND. You don't need to understand me or anyone who is different from you, but if you try to, I promise you will learn that we all have more in common than not.

My faith is the most important thing to me. It breaks my heart to see how many people in the LGBT+ community have lost their faith just because other people tell them they are going to burn in hell for their choices. They think God has turned His back on them, which could not be further from the truth. God loves everyone, and He is the only one who can pass judgment on any of us for our sins (and love is not a sin). My prayer is that the lost ones find their way home and know His love and comfort; that they do not allow other people with flaws to determine their relationship with the Creator. When I first came out, I spent a lot of time struggling with my Catholic upbringing and the overwhelming draw I felt towards my now-fiancee. I read the Bible. I prayed. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and acceptance and freedom at being me and letting my soul shine to its full capacity. I am not perfect-- like every other person on this planet, I am a flawed human who makes mistakes and fails and learns. I am messy. I sin. I fall. I pursue and endure. But with all of that, I am confident my relationship is not my sin.

Last year, Shelley, Mum, Elizabeth, and I went to drag bingo at a fire hall in a fairly conservative area. In between bingo cards, the queens came out to perform. Two performances were moving and had people in tears. One was by our friend Scott, aka Vivian Le Cher, who is always encouraging people to "Cher the love!" She came out and used ASL to sign "This is Me" from The Greatest Showman, and this group of conservative people were standing and clapping and crying. To me, this proves how important visibility and representation are in educating people to just be accepting. Another queen, Sabrina, came out and gave a performance that I still often think about. She came out in full drag, and began performing to this song (please take a moment to listen to the lyrics) and throughout the performance, sat at a vanity and began removing the padding, wig, and makeup that put her in drag. That performance, combined with the lyrics, had the room so quiet and full of tears you could hear a pin drop.

Drag culture is so iconic. RuPaul sort of paved the way and made it acceptable and mainstream, and now queens influence today's culture in everything from dance moves to makeup tips, from language to fashion. "I think it's nice to be a little magical. Today, we need this." ~ Klaus Nomi. What is more magical than a queen?
As RuPaul said, "We're all born naked and the rest is drag," so who cares if you feel more comfortable in makeup or in men's clothes or high heels with khakis? Just accept that people will be authentically themselves, and that that variety is what makes life worth living. We were not placed here to judge one another.

The point here is not about caring what people think. This is a post about being who we are born to be. This is a post about visibility and representation. It is about educating ourselves, to learn about people who are different and embrace those differences. It is about change-- lean into it. In a time where we are on a very slippery slope with an administration that is doing everything possible to strip away freedoms of anyone who is not rich, white, straight, or male, being kind is essential. Being an ally is essential.

I am unapologetically me, which is something I have been moving towards my entire life. I've never been the most popular person-- my mum always said I marched to the beat of my own drum and basically was born 40-- but I never cared. I was just me. I am marrying a woman. For me, it is everything to do with her soul. She is the kindest, funniest, most thoughtful person I have ever met, and it is a privilege to love her. Love truly is love, and in a world where we have so little of that, it is important to spread that love as much as we can.

Camping: The Beach Trip that Wasn't

It started with an email from Mellow Mushroom, the pizza shop in Myrtle Beach that Shelley and I visit each time we go down. I must have signed up for their mailing list to get a coupon or something, and this one made it through the spam filter.

I called out to Shelley, "Do you want to drive to South Carolina and get Mellow Mushroom pizza?"
"That sounds delicious."
"Great! Road trip!"

So I began clicking around, trying to plan a road trip through. We wanted to car camp and drive through Asheville Falls, and stop at some less traveled beaches, and hike some mountains.

Then reality set in. We are pretty spontaneous in our travels, but doing so in the midst of a pandemic (and especially through states that have been seeing a steady increase in recent weeks) was not a wise idea, no matter how badly we want to see the ocean or how good that pizza is. We shelved the idea.

A few days later, Shelley said, "I think we should try camping somewhere local first" and I agreed. She said, "Great, we're leaving tomorrow afternoon to camp at Raccoon. I booked us a campsite, and we're staying two nights." (See? Spontaneous).

Our little campsite 

We had some camping supplies accumulated over the years, mostly the Ozark Trail line from Walmart (like our tent, our foldable couch, camp pillows, and pretty much all of Shelley's supplies) plus a few random Coleman/Marmot supplies, like lanterns, headlamps, my sleeping bag, and ground pad. We loaded a cooler with salad kits, hot dogs, sandwiches, and all the s'mores supplies and packed our trunk to its full capacity.

We did it!

When we first arrived, we spent a decent amount of time trying to figure out where we should put our tent. The ground was pretty uneven on our site. We were excited because we erected our tent by ourselves-- it was only the second time we had used it. We layered the bottom with our ground pads and about six blankets before rolling out our sleeping bags. We strung up a hammock Shelley found when she went that had little twinkle lights built in (I am such a sucker for string lights).

The life. 

Probably swatting a bug.

Feeble attempt to chop wood. 

The camp's website said you couldn't bring in outside wood, so we went gathering wood and fallen tree branches that Shelley cut into firewood. We watch a lot of survival shows, so we tried to start a fire with a fire starter, unsuccessfully, before pulling out the lighter and grilling ourselves hot dogs and baked beans for dinner. We played War (one of our favorite card games) by citronella candlelight until we went to bed.

The essentials.

Enjoying our campfire!

 

The coolest LED color changing citronella candle

A few words of advice if you're nascent to the camping scene:

1) Tent sleeping is not super comfortable. In the future, I'm either trading in my Coleman foam pad for the inflatable one Shelley got at Walmart, or we're bringing a blow up mattress.

2) Bug spray is your friend, and so are high socks, long sleeves, and even pants. Ticks are not a joke. We sprayed ourselves, and our tent. We lucked out with the weather being cool enough that long layers weren't insufferable, but if it would have been muggy and hot the way Pittsburgh summers can be, it would've been rough.

3) The worst part is having to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Our site was pretty close to an actual restroom, but it was still a chore to wake up and crawl in and out of the tent, quickly zipping it before any unwanted guests could climb inside.

Hammock hangs 

The next day, we spent the morning in the hammock. The weather was beautiful, sunny, and cool, and we rocked back and forth just appreciating the peaceful solitude of nature.

We hiked down to the beach after lunch and saw a massive turkey walking through a campsite. We gathered some wood, and while Shelley broke it down and I read parts from Mary Oliver's Upstream to her. We talked and joked and finished our never-ending game of War.

The giant turkey 

Hiking down to the beach 

We learned that they sold firewood we could use near the beach, so Shelley went to get some while I tried to keep the fire alive-- and failed. I learned that I would likely die in the wilderness, because I cannot chop wood nor coax a fire to keep burning.

That night, we made s'mores and stargazed and told ghost stories. We were awakened a fair few times by coyote calls, but eventually they ceased and we went to sleep.

S'mores!

Toasting marshmallows

Perfect scene for spooky stories

The final morning, we woke up and were heading to the restroom and I saw a beautiful doe. I held my arm out to stop Shelley and we just all stood there, staring at each other. We had gotten so close without realizing-- maybe 8 feet away-- and when she moved to run away I froze thinking she was coming to us before she ran into the woods.

The most gorgeous doe

Packing up to head home was less exciting, obviously, minus the SIX! spiders we saw scuttling around the roof of our tent. It was definitely a fun experience, and I'm looking forward to going out again when the weather cools off and enjoying the fall foliage.

LGBTQIA Film Fest

I have been quiet for a little while, because I have been trying to step back, listen, and educate myself. I think one of the most dangerous things to a society is a lack of education on any topic. That lack of education, coupled with an incessant need to fill a space with noise, takes away from the people who actually have something to say. It spreads fear and ignorance and injustice, which is partially how we ended up in the current situation. In the midst of the protests, May became June, which is Pride month.

I feel that the best thing I could do to honor Marsha P. Johnson, the fierce trans woman of color who started the Stonewall uprising, would be to honor her legacy by educating people about the LGBT+ community in my own small way. Differences should be embraced, not feared, and information is one step towards that. We as a society have too long scorned others who don't fit into the box of affluent, straight, white, or Christian. It is time to acknowledge that God made everyone, and if God is love, then so are we. Equality for minorities doesn't mean less for anyone else-- by definition, equal is being the same in number or amount.

That being said, there is a sad lack of misrepresentation of LGBT+ people in film, outside of the token gay friend stereotype-- you know the one, always throwing fab parties and throwing shade. There is a lot more to it than that, just as all people have layers. Each June, Shelley & I have a little LGBTQIA Film Fest in our living rooms-- just the two of us, browsing the "Pride" section that only crops up for a month out of the year alongside the companies who promote rainbow apparel, as if the rest of the time they would be more comfortable leaving us in the closet. If you are interested in watching any of these movies, most are available on Netflix, Hulu, or cable, and provide a great dichotomy of information on the community alongside a damn good story. We've watched more than what is listed, but these are my favorites.

Movies: 

If These Walls Could Talk 2: 
This movie was one of the first Shelley and I watched together. It follows the stories of three lesbian couples who lived in the same house in different periods of time. In 1961, it is an elderly couple coping with loss (this one made me cry and also opened my eyes to the injustice faced in the LGBT+ community). In 1972, it is a group of college students dealing with feminism. In 2000, it is a couple (portrayed adorably by Ellen DeGeneres and Sharon Stone) trying to have a baby using a sperm donor. This remains one of my favorites.

Milk: 
A biopic starring Sean Penn as Harvey Milk, the gay rights activist who became the first openly gay person to be elected to public office in the United States in the 1970s.

Blue is the Warmest Color: 
This is a French film about a girl named Adele who falls in love with an older girl she meets at a lesbian bar. It is a love story, but it is also about self-discovery, about losing yourself and then finding yourself again.

Boys Don't Cry:
This is another biopic, this time starring Hilary Swank as female-to-male transgender Brandon Teena. When people discover Brandon is trans, he receives death threats and abuse, and starts over in a small Midwest town, where he falls in love. When his past is revealed here, the rest of the movie is a wrenching eye-opener to the struggles of the trans community.

Lez Bomb: 
This movie is not exactly the caliber of the first four, but it is worth a watch anyway. It's light and funny, but also follows our main character, a vegetarian and closeted lesbian, as she comes home for family Thanksgiving with her "friend" in tow, and tries to find the right moment to tell her entire family she is a lesbian. The awkwardness of this situation is captured pretty well, alongside some definitely-Hollywood-level hijinks and hilarity. The first time Shelley met my massive extended family was at Thanksgiving, so this was relatable to an extent.

Io e Lei (Me, Myself, & Her):
This is an Italian film, and even though it follows the sort of frustrating trope of lesbians in struggling relationships (it's not as common as movies make it seem, seriously), it was enjoyable to watch. Yes, there are subtitles, but it doesn't detract from the movie. It's about an architect and a former movie star who have been together for five years, but one of them tries to keep their relationship a secret.

Liz in September: 
This Venezuelan film is amazing, but definitely a tear-jerker. Liz is terminally ill, and she lives in a beach house with a group of lesbians. When she meets a woman who lost her son to cancer, the two form a strong bond.

Pariah: 
This 2011 film follows Alike, an African American teen struggling with her identity as a lesbian and trying to figure out how to confide in her family about who she is.

The Miseducation of Cameron Post:
This is based on a novel by Emily Danforth. The film, which stars Chloe Grace Moretz as Cameron, is fairly true to the book. Cameron lives in a small town, and after she is caught kissing another girl in a car at prom, she is sent to a Christian conversion camp. Cameron is laid back and follows the rules, but it's clear that the core of someone cannot be changed, just masked.

Love, Simon:
This is based on a novel as well, Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli. It is geared towards a young adult audience, but follows Simon through his coming out process, and how sometimes sharing it with a complete stranger is easier than sharing it with people you've known your entire life.

The Secret Love:
This Netflix documentary is an incredibly moving story of Terry Donahue and Pat Henschel (baseball players from the team that inspired the movie A League of Their Own). The couple have been together for 70 years, and it follows their story from before they met through the bigotry and hatred they faced, and the little family they created of friends and fellow LGBT+ people. Terry's biological family in Canada spends a good deal of the documentary trying to coerce the couple to move back so they can be taken care of through their failing health. It took the couple until 2009 before they came out to their families. This story shows the strength and beauty of a decades-long relationship.

Television:

RuPaul's Drag Race: 
This reality competition show is the only show of its kind I have ever gone out of my way to watch. I have never met RuPaul, but I imagine that his constant messages in the 1980s of "Let me hear you say LOVE!" and fighting for acceptance and a place in this world really paved the way for queens today. Season 12 just wrapped, and all 12 seasons give a lot of insight into how much drag has permeated everyday culture, from the language to the makeup to the fashion (I find the idea of homophobic people unknowingly using terms or makeup tips coined by queens highly amusing). RuPaul will make you smile stupidly at the TV, and that's something we all need.

Queer Eye: 
On the topic of shows that make you smile stupidly at your TV, the Fab Five have 100% stolen my heart. This is slightly different than Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which enlisted five gay men to help out straight men. Queer Eye's Tan, Jonathan, Karamo, Antoni, and Bobby work together to improve the lives of people from all walks of life. I have laughed and cried when watching this show. They are an incredibly diverse group of people, and it's beautiful to see the magic and love they spread and the way they make others see LGBT+ people in a different light. This further proves my idea that a lack of connection to or knowledge of a group inspires fear, but knowledge and connection breeds love and acceptance.

The L Word:
This show has had a recent revival after ending its sixth season in 2009. This is nothing like Shelley's or my experience, but it's still entertaining to watch these boss babe powerhouse women conquer LA like lesbian Barbies. It's a Showtime series, so it's a little soapy, but it's definitely worth a watch.

POSE:
Shelley and I were a little late to the POSE universe, but once we started watching it we were enthralled. This show is set in the 1980s in New York, and if it opening in a museum with The Mary Jane Girls playing to draw me in, the insight into ball culture, African-American and Latinx LGBT+ and gender-nonconforming houses, and Billy Porter's magnificent announcing skills would.

I hope this list piqued your interest enough to explore something outside of your usual genre. If there's something I didn't mention and you think it should be on here, drop a comment and let me know. Happy Pride!